Cole F***in’ Hamels
Yet another dominating Cole Hamels performance against my Cincinnati Reds on Saturday night; Hamels is now 8-0 all-time vs. Cincy. If you’re a Reds fan, when you see or read about or think about Cole Hamels, you no doubt say out loud, “God damn him.” You’re sick of watching the Reds whiff at his change-up and take his fastball for called third strikes. You’re sick of looking at his face as he carves up your team.
He’s not the only guy in the National League you feel that way about either. It’s multiple guys that always seem to feast on Reds pitching, or make great defensive plays, or shut the Reds down.
Without further ado, The All-“This Guy Kills The Reds” Starting Lineup:
Leading off and playing center field, St. Louis Cardinal Jon Jay.
Oh my Lord, Jon Jay burns my ass. This guy, from the first time we saw him, has been laying ropes against the Reds. In 50 starts against Cincinnati, Jay has a .370 on-base percentage, 14 doubles, six homers and 25 RBI. Even when he’s mired in a prolonged slump, this a-hole will smack two rally-furthering singles in a game–a jam-shot blooper into shallow left-center and a seeing-eye bouncer up the middle. You know he will, too. That’s the irritating part.
Batting second, San Diego Padre outfielder, Will Venable.
You may not have noticed this guy as much because the Reds only play two series against San Diego per season. Well, Will Venable kills the Reds, plain and simple. In 26 starts vs. Reds pitching, Venable has a .384 on-base and a .541 slugging percentage (5 doubles, 2 triples, 5 HR). The Reds held Venable in check (1 for 7) this past week, but generally, he murders them.
In the three-hole, from the Colorado Rockies, shortstop Troy Tulowitzki.
This guy kills everybody–but he especially kills the Reds. In 34 career starts, Tulo has a .346/.412/.691 slash line, with 13 long balls and 30 runs batted in. Translation: Quit pitching to this fella!
Batting clean-up, from the St. Louis Cardinals, one of the catchers, Yadier Molina.
Do we even need to look at the statistics? Yadi owns the Reds. Yadi toys with the Reds. I’ll look the numbers up anyway…oh my Lanta…Molina has 14 career bombs and 27 career doubles against Reds pitching. And I bet 90-percent of those came on first-pitch “why did you throw him a fastball in that spot??” offerings. Stop giving this guy anything to hit, Reds. He owns you.
In the five-spot, former-Brave and current New York Yankee catcher, Brian McCann.
Brian F***in’ McCann
Thank God this guy’s in the AL now–although the Reds will still have to face him this season. In his career vs. Cincinnati, McCann has a .318/.405/fuggin’ .671 slash line. He’s clubbed SEVENTEEN HOME RUNS in 170 career ABs. Good God. I don’t know if there’s ever been a hitter kill the Reds this much since the team formed in 1869.
In the six-hole, one of the second basemen, Philadelphia Phillies’ Chase Utley.
This guy’s a phenomenal hitter. Short, sharp swing. He lashes the Reds. In his career, Utley has 14 doubles, 17 home runs and 46 RBI against Cincinnati. He also homered and drove in four in Philly’s three-game sweep of the Reds in the 2010 Divisional Playoff. Any time he comes to the plate against the Reds, you’re nervous–you know you are.
Batting 7th, the other second baseman, Pittsburgh Pirates’ hometown kid, Neil Walker.
Son of a bitch, this guy is the proverbial thorn in the Reds’ proverbial scrotum. He always seems to hit home runs. He always seems to do damage late in games (walk-off single in a game this year). He’s just not the guy you want to see come to the plate when the Reds are trying to nurse a lead.
In his four-plus year career, Walker’s batting .300 with a .380 on-base and a .500 slug versus Cincinnati. This dude has 62 career homers–and 11 have come against Reds pitching. Hate that guy.
Batting 8th, Milwaukee Brewers catcher Jonathan Lucroy.
This guy. God. Ever since he was called up to the majors, Lucroy has hit rope after rope against the Reds. He hit a home run off of Aroldis Chapman last year, you may remember. He’s an asshole, basically. Overall, Lucroy only has 7 doubles and 4 homers against the Reds–but it seems like they’ve all been back-breakers. I’m sick of him.
* Splitting the catching duties with Lucroy and McCann and Molina: Former-Pirate/current-Rocky Michael McKenry and long-time Philly Carlos Ruiz.
McKenry is listed at five-foot-ten. Yeah, right. If this guy’s 5’10”, then I’m eight-foot-six. His numbers against the Reds are very shabby at first glance (.190 batting average), but he has three dingers and three doubles–including a double this year for Colorado. And he always battles Aroldis Chapman hard. Done with him.
Ruiz is another short, stocky asshole. He broke up Travis Wood’s perfect game attempt with a double in the 9th back in 2010, he ripped a curveball into right-center Saturday night for an RBI…he doubled in a run and drew three walks in that 2010 Division Series…he’s just a dick. Strangely, Ruiz has never hit a ball over the fence against the Reds (which means he probably will today, now that I’ve pointed that out), but he’s batting .327 with a .395 on-base and has hit 12 doubles and drawn 10 walks. Tired of him.
And, of course, on the mound for the All-“This Guy Kills The Reds” Team, Philadelphia’s Cole God Damn Hamels.
After last night’s 1-run performance, Hamels now stands at 8-0 with a 1.67 ERA in 11 starts–all of which Philly has won. Not only that, Hamels shut the Reds out in Game 3 of that NLDS in Cincinnati. In other words, this assbag is the ultimate “This Guy Kills The Reds” performer.
But one of these days, oh yes, one of these days, Cole Hamels will get his. All of these shitheads will get theirs. I don’t know when and I don’t know by whom, but mark my words, justice will be served on all of these fools.
Berg On Sports 